See if you can find a middle ground
Doesn’t your partner want to prove that your fantasy is breaking your business? Well, you have your answer. Otherwise, try to find a middle ground.
Here, it might look like:
- wears a butt plug
- explore anal masturbation alone
- penetrating you with a dildo while your partner uses a vibrator
- get spanked by your partner while tied up
- Look for additional resources
- If you want to explore BDSM and your partner doesn’t (or vice versa), you might be looking for a perverted sex therapist.
Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt’s “When Someone You Love Is Kinky” is also an excellent resource.
There are red flags to keep an eye on
If, for example, you are a straight woman, the fact that someone is a straight man doesn’t automatically make them a good partner for you.
Well, the same goes for submissives and dominants. Not all dominants are dominants you want to clash with!
“If someone is very picky and uses language as if you were to act this way, they say things like ‘a real dom / sub does or doesn’t do this’, or is making you feel ashamed / forcing you to move too fast or do something you’re feeling uncomfortable, it’s a good idea to leave, ”says Jean.
Other red flags:
They insist on playing without a sure word.
- They rush a consent or border restriction / conversation.
- They humiliate, belittle or undermine you outside the game space.
- They speak ashamed of their desires or make you ashamed of yours.
- They ignore established protocols for safe sex or don’t have a conversation about them.
- Other members of the BDSM community cannot “vouch” for them to be dominant.
- They have substance use disorder or insist on getting high or drunk before a scene.
- Adds Saynt: “If you already have a partner who has disrespected you in the past, this is not the best person to explore submission with.”
PSA: The scene starts before it actually starts
According to Paige, before you and your partner start a scene, you should establish or talk about the following:
boundaries, including soft and hard limits
safe words and verbal and non-verbal cues
any significant physical limitations, injuries or allergies
what would you like to get from the scene
what are / could be your after-sales service needs
“You should also prepare yourself through a solo ritual,” Little says. “This can include affirmations, wearing something sexy, masturbating, bathing, etc.”
Where to start
“There are many different ways that sexual submission can appear,” says Saynt. For instance:
While most people start exploring BDSM through pain (hopefully enjoyable), Jean says there are other ways to explore new sensations.
“You could apply a blindfold to your partner, possibly hold him back, and then use feathers, metal, ice, fabric, or fur to explore his entire body.”
You might also be wondering if there are particular power-based roles in the “real world”, such as teacher / student, cop / robber or pirate / prisoner, that turn you on, says Paige.
You can use them as inspiration for whimsical RPGs.
Another option: watch some kinky porn.
“[This] can be helpful in figuring out what you want to try, as long as you understand that porn isn’t educational, it’s just inspirational,” says Paige.
Or some bizarre erotic laws on sites like SugarButch Chronicles , Bellesa , girl Store and BDSM Cafe .
Always make time for later treatment
“After a particularly long or physically, mentally, or emotionally exhausting scene, it’s possible that there’s a chemical and hormonal breakdown, a depression or a dip after a show,” Paige explains. “Sometimes this is called sub-drop or top-drop.”
Aftercare – sometimes called pillow talk, post-game analysis, post-sex play, or cuddling – refers to the time after sex or a scene where everyone involved cares or appreciates each other.
“It might involve talking or showering together,” Paige says. “It could involve smoking a blunt or eating. It could involve cuddling or a very long hug. “
Remember: safe, sane and consensual
Once again for the people at the bottom! All play should be safe, sane, mostly sober and consensual.
Research the activity before doing it
“When it comes to BDSM, education is everything,” says Paige. “Take some time to figure out what you want and how to make it happen.”
You may need to use classic research tools such as guides and books, but “research can also include attending kinky parties or events, hiring a dominatrix or prostitute to teach you, or talking to people from the kinky community.”
Keep a kit with essential items nearby
There is a strange saying that goes: plan the worst, expect the best.
Since things like rope bondage, knife play, impact play, and more can break the skin, cause bruises, or cause rope burns, you should have a first aid kit nearby just in case.
He adds little: “Buying kit gadgets together could be an intimate part of the experience”.
Safe words / signals can and should be used freely
“When you first start exploring submission, be forgiving and okay with fucking… but reduce the fucking unnecessarily,” says Paige.
One way to do this, he says, is to use safe words like “yellow” or “red” or pain scales like “1 to 10.”
The presentation can be withdrawn at any time
Consent! duty! to be! enthusiastic! And! in progress! By the time he is lifted, the scene is over.