Sexual Submission London Dominatrix Isn’t Just A Kinky Game: 23 Tips For Beginners

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What exactly is sexual submission? 

The mainstream media may lead you to believe that sexual submission is synonymous with “clumsy and virginal writer easily forced” or “has no boundaries”. (Hi, Anastasia Steele!)

But IRL, sexual submission is much more consensual, collaborative, fun, and sexy.

Typically, the “S” in BDSM – submission – takes place in a kinky context when someone takes on a dominant (or unique) role and someone else takes on a more (or unique) submissive role, explains Ashley Paige , a New York-based professional dominatrix and smut producer.

“It’s when there is a consensual exchange of power,” Paige says.

Wait, is being submissive the same thing as being passive? 

No! There may be some overlap, but “bottom” generally refers to someone who is physically at the bottom during sex. (Think: partner on his back during missionary.)

A person can also identify as a bottom not only to describe their sexual preference, usually a person receiving penetration, but to indicate their social role and sexual identity.

“There isn’t necessarily a power exchange when someone is on top and someone else is on the bottom,” says Paige.

“Submission is about giving / receiving power,” Paige adds.

“Someone who is a submissive can be on top, serving their partner because they are adept at something the Dominant likes.”

It is not a one size fits all

In general, in the more traditional form of BDSM play, there is a submissive who consensually “gives up control” (note the quotes!) To the Dominant.

But considering nearly half of the general population has tried some form of BDSM in their lives, it’s sure submission doesn’t have a #lewk.

Moments

A partner locks your arms behind your back during doggie. Or he pulls your hair during the missionary. Or spit in your mouth. Or spank your ass. Or he calls you “greedy” or “my bitch” or “little girl”. O ooo …

There are thousands of small moments within more “traditional” sex that can invoke elements of submission and domination or power play.

As long as all partners agree and enjoy these moments, that’s fine, says Callie Little , a sex and relationship educator and writer.

“Whether or not you consider it under the BDSM umbrella is up to you,” Little adds.

Scenes

Think of the “scene” as the extravagant version of “Sexy time, from start to finish”.

The look of a scene is as varied as the kinksters themselves.

One scene could involve spanking a partner 10 more times, at increasing intensity with the goal of getting to a 7-10 on the pain scale.

Or it could be much more elaborate. Maybe the scene starts with a wax game, moves on to nipple torture, and ends with orgasm denial. Or maybe it’s a prolonged flogging.

Continuous relationships

Sometimes called 24/7 D / s or Lifestyle D / s in the wonderful world of BDSM, ongoing relationships refer to partnerships where there is no real break from the exchange of power.

Basically, both the submissive and the dominant are in the role most of the time.

These relationships don’t always involve sexual submission, Little says.

Sometimes it’s just services, including acts like giving a massage or manicure or doing chores around the house and acting as a butler.

While this usually implies that the couple live together, this is not always the case. Nor is it always true that they are primary partners!

People are involved for different reasons 

You’ve probably heard the “Power Boss” trope in the workplace who, after making very important decisions all day long, longs to get into the bedroom (or dungeon) and have someone else take complete control.

“While suspension of decisions is certainly one of the reasons some people like to be submissive, it’s not the only reason,” says Dominatrix and sex educator Lola Jean .

Some are excited by the simple fact of how taboo or “wrong” the game they are playing is viewed in society, says Jean.

Others find satisfaction in serving another individual, in a way that is not very different from those who show their romantic partners that they love them through acts of service.

“Some people experience the act of submitting as spiritual or healing,” Little says. “Others simply enjoy it as an adventure and a fun experience of physicality and sensation.”

Your needs and wants can change over time

The types of physical sensations we enjoy change: As we age, our hormones change, as our comfort levels with our partners, playmates, and ourselves evolve.

So how do you know if it’s something you want to try?

“Think about how you want to feel,” says Jean. “Think about what turns you on. Think about what turns you on. “

Adds Jean: “You can start building your whimsical personality through feelings, rather than actions.

“I also like to ask people what their main insecurities and difficulties are, as they tend to chase away knots, validating or invalidating them via the [game] knot.”

Identifying and establishing your limits is key

“A great way to determine what you like and what you don’t is a Yes / No / Maybe list,” says Little.

A Yes / No / Maybe it’s a physical list (mental lists aren’t good!) By:

things you definitely want to do or experience sexually (the “yes” column)

things you may want to try with further research and under the right circumstances (the “maybe” column)

things that are outside your comfort zone or that provoke you (the “no” column)

These Yes / No / Maybe inventory lists from Scarleteen and BexTalksSex are both great places to start.

If you are currently a partner, you and your partner should create one individually and then create one together.

If you are single, make one yourself. So, refer to it the next time you and a sexual partner communicate your interests and negotiate what’s active or not allowed during a scene.

Communication should be continuous  

If you remember one thing from this article, do it like this: everybody plays, kinky or not! – must be consensual and pre-negotiated in advance.

What are safe words / signals and why are they important?

A safe word is something both partners can use to signal when a mental, physical, or emotional boundary is approaching or has been crossed.

“’Yellow’ and ‘red’ are standard safe words for anyone who is professionally dedicated to the knot,” says Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of XNUMX + , a private club for sexual and cannabis-positive millennials.

“Use your yellows when you want the action to slow down or your partner is nearing the climax of pain / humiliation,” says Saynt.

“Use reds when you want the action to stop and you need some care or hydration.”

Can your safe word just be “stop”? It certainly can!

But for people who find themselves in a scene (again, pre-negotiated) based on the Dominant doing something to the submarine that the submarine “doesn’t want”, the word “stop” could be part of the submarine’s “performance”. .

In this case, a word like “giraffe” or “eggplant” or something completely unrelated will work best.

Jean also recommends establishing non-verbal cues that will stop the scene.

“The [physical] codes are extremely important, because someone can become dumb and have difficulty speaking when they enter a certain physical, mental or emotional state.”

In this case, something like pinching someone’s leg or shaking someone’s hand for more than 3 seconds may seem like an easier way to defend yourself.

If you love something, say something. If you don’t love something, say something.

“Speak up and make your moans count,” says Saynt.

How often should you review your Yes / No / Maybe lists?

Since each scene must be negotiated in advance, you can update and review your lists every time you play.

What if I want to try something and my partner doesn’t? Or viceversa?

Even if you and your partner are “The most sexually compatible couple in the world”, chances are there will be a thing or two that one of you would like to try and the other doesn’t. That is fine!

Your desires to be different does not mean that one of you is wrong or bad and the other is right or good.

But the enthusiastic consensus of both (BOTH!) Parties is a MUST.

If you’re the one who wants to feel something the other doesn’t, the following steps can help you and your partner talk about it.

Ideally, when you are fully clothed.

Share the fantasy

Yes, this is vulnerable, but in order for your partner to understand what you want to feel, you need to tell them!

So, dive deeper

Let’s say you want to be anchored while tied to the bed. What exactly is this fantasy that turns you on?

Is it that you want to feel helpless? Is it that you like anal stimulation so you think you will like it?

Is it that you want to see your partner with a strap-on? Is it that you want to feel dominated?

The answers to these questions will give you clues to other ways you and your partner might invoke the fantasy, without either of you having to step out of your comfort zone.

State your partner’s boundaries

You never want your partner to feel like you are trying to convince him or force him to feel something.

So, ask them questions

Or ask them to ask themselves a few questions about why they’re not interested.

Are they nervous about possible gender dysphoria when wearing a strap-on? Are they worried about hurting you or not being “good” at pegging?

Does it invoke triggering memories of a past experience? Do they have any doubts about anal play in general?

See if you can find a middle ground

Doesn’t your partner want to prove that your fantasy is breaking your business? Well, you have your answer. Otherwise, try to find a middle ground.

Here, it might look like:

  • wears a butt plug
  • explore anal masturbation alone
  • penetrating you with a dildo while your partner uses a vibrator
  • get spanked by your partner while tied up
  • Look for additional resources
  • If you want to explore BDSM and your partner doesn’t (or vice versa), you might be looking for a perverted sex therapist.

Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt’s “When Someone You Love Is Kinky” is also an excellent resource.

There are red flags to keep an eye on

If, for example, you are a straight woman, the fact that someone is a straight man doesn’t automatically make them a good partner for you.

Well, the same goes for submissives and dominants. Not all dominants are dominants you want to clash with!

“If someone is very picky and uses language as if you were to act this way, they say things like ‘a real dom / sub does or doesn’t do this’, or is making you feel ashamed / forcing you to move too fast or do something you’re feeling uncomfortable, it’s a good idea to leave, ”says Jean.

Other red flags:

They insist on playing without a sure word.

They rush a consent or border restriction / conversation.

They humiliate, belittle or undermine you outside the game space.

They speak ashamed of their desires or make you ashamed of yours.

They ignore established protocols for safe sex or don’t have a conversation about them.

Other members of the BDSM community cannot “vouch” for them to be dominant.

They have substance use disorder or insist on getting high or drunk before a scene.

Adds Saynt: “If you already have a partner who has disrespected you in the past, this is not the best person to explore submission with.”

PSA: The scene starts before it actually starts 

According to Paige, before you and your partner start a scene, you should establish or talk about the following:

boundaries, including soft and hard limits

safe words and verbal and non-verbal cues

any significant physical limitations, injuries or allergies

what would you like to get from the scene

what are / could be your after-sales service needs

“You should also prepare yourself through a solo ritual,” Little says. “This can include affirmations, wearing something sexy, masturbating, bathing, etc.”

Where to start

“There are many different ways that sexual submission can appear,” says Saynt. For instance:

Do you want to be hit or suffocated?

Do you want to be spat out?

Do you want to be humiliated?

Do you want to be called derogatory things?

Do you want to be tied up and blindfolded?

Do you want to be treated like a princess, a brat or a slut, to name a few possibilities?

While most people start exploring BDSM through pain (hopefully enjoyable), Jean says there are other ways to explore new sensations.

“You could apply a blindfold to your partner, possibly hold him back, and then use feathers, metal, ice, fabric, or fur to explore his entire body.”

You might also be wondering if there are particular power-based roles in the “real world”, such as teacher / student, cop / robber or pirate / prisoner, that turn you on, says Paige.

You can use them as inspiration for whimsical RPGs.

Another option: watch some kinky porn.

“[This] can be helpful in figuring out what you want to try, as long as you understand that porn isn’t educational, it’s just inspirational,” says Paige.

Or some bizarre erotic laws on sites like SugarButch Chronicles , Bellesa , girl Store and BDSM Cafe .

Always make time for later treatment 

“After a particularly long or physically, mentally, or emotionally exhausting scene, it’s possible that there’s a chemical and hormonal breakdown, a depression or a dip after a show,” Paige explains. “Sometimes this is called sub-drop or top-drop.”

Aftercare – sometimes called pillow talk, post-game analysis, post-sex play, or cuddling – refers to the time after sex or a scene where everyone involved cares or appreciates each other.

“It might involve talking or showering together,” Paige says. “It could involve smoking a blunt or eating. It could involve cuddling or a very long hug. “

Remember: safe, sane and consensual 

Once again for the people at the bottom! All play should be safe, sane, mostly sober and consensual.

Research the activity before doing it

“When it comes to BDSM, education is everything,” says Paige. “Take some time to figure out what you want and how to make it happen.”

You may need to use classic research tools such as guides and books, but “research can also include attending kinky parties or events, hiring a dominatrix or prostitute to teach you, or talking to people from the kinky community.”

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